Woody Allen

Woody Allen

Heywood "Woody" Allen (born Allan Stewart Konigsberg; December 1, 1935) is an American director, writer, actor, comedian, playwright, and musician whose career spans more than six decades. Allen won four Academy Awards: three for Best Original Screenplay and one for Best Director (Annie Hall). He also won nine British Academy of Film and Television Arts Awards.

Enjoy the best Woody Allen picture quotes.

Read more about Woody Allen on Wikipedia.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.

Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful - provided you get between the right man and the right woman.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

Cloquet hated reality, but realized it was still the only place to get a good steak.

That [sex] was the most fun I ever had without laughing.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

Don't knock masturbation - it's sex with someone I love.

Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously.

The last time I was inside a woman was when I was inside the Statue of Liberty.

No one will be petty about this and we can forget about our differences and I will not have to refer to my French fried potatoes as 'freedom fries' and I don't have to freedom kiss my wife when I really want to French kiss her. So let's pull together now.

I've often said the only thing standing between me and greatness is me

It's something that occurs to me many times in my movies. They can often be treated comically or dramatically and I usually opt to treat them comically. But it occurred to me that you could get a story and you could fool around with it both ways.

The food here is terrible and the portions are too small.

We like food ... This is too much to eat at one time. You'd get sick.

The chief problem about death incidentally is the fear that there may be no afterlife -- a depressing thought particularly for those who have bothered to shave. Also there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held

It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.

And my parents finally realize that I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: They rent out my room.

Sex between 2 people is a beautiful thing, between 5 it's fantastic.

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have instead of what you don't have.

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