Woody Allen

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

Now we're in the final stages. There's a lot of (due diligence) work to be done in the next 120 days but it feels good to get everybody on board.

All the crap that they tell you about ... getting joy and having a kind of wisdom in your golden years - it's all tripe ... I've gained no wisdom no insight no mellowing. I would make all the same mistakes again today.

A relationship I think is like a shark you know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

If you want to make God laugh tell him about your plans.

As the poet said "Only God can make a tree" - probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on

Tradition is the illusion of permanance.

I can't understand why more people aren't bisexual. It would double your chances for a date on Saturday night.

I didn't know he was dead, I thought he was British

Side Effects Not only is there no God but try getting a plumber on the weekend.

What do I dislike about death? Must be the hours.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?

Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.

There are two types of people in this world good and bad. The good sleep better but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

No I'm not a very social person.

one of the fortuitous events one of the great pieces of luck in my life.

Every time I've made a movie over the years . . . there was a lot of confusion between who I am and who the character in the movie is. In this picture there was no way anybody could make that association. The lead character (played by Jonathan Rhys Meyers) is this gorgeous troubled highly sensitive character. There was no way anyone could confuse me with anyone in the picture.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition taught never to marry a Gentile woman shave on a Saturday night and most especially never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.