Steven Wright

Steven Wright

Steven Alexander Wright (born December 6, 1955) is an American stand-up comedian, actor, writer, and an Oscar-winning film producer. He is known for his distinctly lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, philosophical, and sometimes nonsense jokes, paraprosdokians, non sequiturs, anti-humor, and one-liners with contrived situations.

Enjoy the best Steven Wright picture quotes.

Read more about Steven Wright on Wikipedia.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

If one synchronised swimmer drowns do all the rest have to drown too?

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

If you can't hear me it's because I'm in parentheses.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive but only for a second.

So do you live around here often?

If you saw a heat wave would you wave back?

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas people behind me stop and I'm gone.

What a nice night for an evening.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

I intend to live forever. So far so good.

Is it weird in here or is it just me?

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is it's always room temperature.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

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