George Carlin

George Carlin

George Denis Patrick Carlin (May 12, 1937 – June 22, 2008) was an American comedian, actor, author and social critic. Carlin was noted for his black comedy and thoughts on politics, the English language, psychology, religion, and various taboo subjects. He is widely regarded as one of the most important and influential stand-up comedians.

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Read more about George Carlin on Wikipedia.

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

Everything beeps now

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar

Jesus was a cross dresser

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

Without the laughs the audience wouldn

In comic strips the person on the right always speaks first.

He had a sort of pain that was fairly evident.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School, and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes.

Regarding the Boy Scouts I'm very suspicious of any organization that has a handbook.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity

Religion is just mind control

I tell ya if I hadn't chosen the career of being a performer I think linguistics would have been a natural area that I'd have loved -- to teach it probably ... Language has always fascinated me. There's a genetic inheritance there ... a good language gene which I inherited [from my mother and grandfather] and she fostered that in me as he fostered that in her.

Inside every cynical person there is a disappointed idealist

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.

What are you going to do play with your prick for another 20 to 30 years >Read People Magazine your whole life...? Take a freakin' chance!

'We hope you enjoy your stay in Chicago or wherever your final destination may be.' All destinations are final. That's what it means. Destiny: final. If you haven't gotten where you're going you aren't there yet.

I'm also tired of hearing about innocent victims, this is an outmoded idea. There are no innocent victims. If you're born on this world you're guilt period f*ck you end of report next case. Your birth certificate is proof of guilt.

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.

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