Dave Barry

It is better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.

Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.

I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.

Europeans like some Americans drive on the right side of the road except in England where they drive on both sides of the road, Italy where they drive on the sidewalk, and France where if necessary they will follow you right into the hotel lobby.

Fishing is boring unless you catch an actual fish and then it is disgusting.

If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.

American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.

Each year millions of skiers come to Colorado to experience its superb emergency medical facilities.

American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for employees, who are educated enough, that they can tell the difference between the men's room and the women's room without having little pictures on the doors.

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup only less filling.

Big business never pays a nickel in taxes according to Ralph Nader who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.

The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number.

Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth and fresher breath.

We know three or four songs ... But we play about 50.

It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.

Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.

The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.

The real threat to whales is whaling which has endangered many whale species.

Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.